FANTASIA OBSCURA: Santa Claus Is Comin’ to… Mars
There are some fantasy, science fiction, and horror films that not every fan has caught. Not every film ever made has been seen by the audience that lives for such fare. Some of these deserve another look, because sometimes not every film should remain obscure.
Sometimes, little girls who put their faith in Santa really do get what they wish for…
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
(Dist.: Jaylor Productions; Dir.: Nicholas Webster)
We can agree on some things about our Christmas holidays, even those of us only looking at the secular/commercial side of the event. We can all agree that there needs to be a few carols playing, maybe mixed with some John Lennon or the Waitresses.
We can all agree that the tree should look nice, however you define “nice” — be it a nine-foot spruce or a Charlie Brown tree. And we all generally don’t care all that much for the fruitcake that seems to pop up all over that actually might have been on the shelf since the Johnson Administration.
Which is about how long this has been around to haunt us worse than any of Dickens’ spirits:
Films like this don’t come around very often; even with all the safeguards in place, projects like this still make it to the screen. And oh, what a project.
Our film opens on Mars, which somehow gets really good television from Earth, where we see a news story that includes an interview with Santa Claus (John Call) who’s busy getting the toys ready for —
Yes, Santa’s real in this pic. And no. One. Bats. An. Eye over this. Just roll with it, it’s less painful that way.
I did mention that there are Martians watching our TV, right? Which is a problem up there, as all the kids seem pretty listless as they watch us prepare for our holiday, and react to the realization that their childhoods suck by going all emo.
And after careful consideration, the leader of Mars (Leonard Hicks) decides the best course of action in the face of this is to force the kids to read a damn book kidnap Santa Claus and have him make toys for the Martians.
This is not that warmly received among all the clan leaders of Mars, especially Voldar (Vincent Beck) who engage in kidnapping and sabotage to prevent their kids from having what Earth kids (the only ones they bothered to discuss in the film, anyway) value. And all their plans come to naught because the planet’s biggest doofus, Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), is there to f’up everyone’s stuff on his way to bringing a solution to Mars’ problems.
Mind you, compared to Mars’ historic need for imperial land claims and nubile females, this is a pretty small case for us to get upset over. In the end, the only thing Earth did when they kidnapped Saint Nick and two Earth children (played by two kids who never got another acting gig after this) was run 10 minutes of USAF recruiting footage while the problem solved itself, so no harm, no foul, unless you count this film as both.
How this film was born and became the top of lots of worst films ever lists is hard to discern; the production company came together for only this project and dissolved after wrap. Webster stayed almost exclusively in television, doing a few one-off episodes for Mannix, The F.B.I., and The Waltons without much else.
Other than John Call’s Kris Kringle, the rest of the cast seemed to just show up, do a sight reading, and collect their check on the way out the door in a hurry. Everyone else was either doing mostly small one-offs in television or nothing else, making this film a hit-and-run with everyone just walking away from it with nothing to tie them to it.
Save for one young actress…
Among the principals was the young Martian girl Girmar, played by Pia Zadora. In 1978, years after everyone else managed to run the hell away from the film, Zadora had to stand by her credit and own it as she made a concentrated effort to break into acting and singing, first making herself known outside of her tabloid headlines and publicity stunts as spokeswoman/jingle singer for Dubonnet aperitif:
While the effort to establish a film career led to such embarrassments as Butterfly and The Lonely Lady, her pivoting to being strictly a singer got a better reaction, especially when she became noted for her doing standards. Of all the cast and crew tied to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, she made the most of what she got handed and came out with a career that got respect and notice.
Now supposedly, there are a few recipes out there that show you how to re-purpose fruitcake…
NEXT TIME: Not everyone gets next week off; no one here at REBEAT does, and the subject of this film definitely shouldn’t get time off from the job…
